Somebody once told me that anger and passion were true signs that there might still be love in the relationship. I wasn’t convinced! I couldn’t understand how I moved from such a place of hope as a newlywed to such a place of despair just three years into my marriage. I suppose I should be thankful that no one told me truly how hard a new relationship would be because honestly, I’m not sure I would have signed up for it. Or maybe they did try to tell us, and we just didn’t listen.

We were older when we met and eventually decided to join our lives. We had been in the workforce, completed college courses, attended church, and had a solid support system. But navigating an intimate relationship stirred up emotions neither of us we’re prepared for. At first our conflicts were minor. They centered around issues like who was responsible for taking out the trash, or doing the dishes, but it didn’t take long for those small disagreements to turn into animosity and resentment. I can still recall sitting alone on our couch praying to God that he would somehow take this away. I didn’t care if it meant divorce, and I didn’t care about any of the consequences that would have come with that decision.

I knew my husband was experiencing the same, so when we spent our first night apart, both of us knew we needed to get help. We are both Believers in Christ, we both knew logically that God ordained our marriage and had a plan for us, but when those conflicts arose, all logic left the room. We were turned into stark enemies, who wanted nothing but distance from the battle. He ran, I fought, I ran, and he fought. It was a vicious pattern we couldn’t seem to get out of, and with each fight, our distance grew greater. Our feelings of love were gone, so when our friends recommended we seek counseling, we had pretty much concluded that it was a formality simply to appease others. Honestly, in retrospect, we entered counseling as a way to justify a divorce claiming, “We had given it all we had.”

I was referred to Counseling Connections by a friend who had attended individual counseling there, so I wasn’t sure they’d even be able to help, but when I called and asked for marriage counseling, I was greeted by a professional, who seemed to really care about our needs, and they even accepted our insurance, so I figured, “Why not?” We scheduled our first appointment, and completed the paperwork.

When we first arrived, we were a little surprised that the space was not a professional office building. Instead, it was a small house situated on a small piece of property just off the busy highway. We were both a little apprehensive when we first entered the counseling room. Thankfully, our therapist picked up on our fears, and immediately validated our concerns. She made us feel welcome, and her warm attitude put us at ease. There was no judgment, and she never took sides. She listened to us. BOTH of us were hurting, and she helped us hear one another. She reminded us that the vows we took 3 years before were still relevant today, and that with some education, compassion, and most importantly Holy Spirit intervention, we could experience a healthy and loving relationship again.

Those first 60 minutes provided us with a such a powerful level of relief, and we are forever thankful. We scheduled a second session. We were educated on an option and encouraged to participate in a marriage assessment called SYMBIS, which stands for Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. We learned so much during that assessment that it was difficult not to regret not having heard about it sooner. Finally, we felt we understood those triggers that led to all of the conflicts, and for once we had strategies to deal with them. We now have hope in our marriage!